How to Survive the Loss of Someone we Can’t Live Without

 

Answer that text or the door, then wish you hadn’t…..

He is gone . He has been for a long time now …..

The news, even if I expected it, will stun me. I will felt as if I had left my own body behind too, and are hovering slightly above myself , watching the scene unfold like some terrible TV movie. A nightmare I can never wake up from. A pain that lingers and never goes away. Peeking its deep sorrow unexpectedly at the most unusually times. Like when watching two people in love hold hands, or embrace ….or a familiar song , in my case country musics , willie Nelson.

He’s gone…. I tell myself

Wish time away. Let it pour over me and do what nothing else can—soften the throb of the place my loved one occupied. Let it push me across that shitty bridge. Let it show me what is still here—my sharp mind and mouth,my sinewy heart, a future that is not the one I wanted, but the one that is, nonetheless, waiting for me. Alone with a emptiness that has no name.

He is gone . He has been for a long time now …..

Times goes by…

Notice that I haven’t cried in a day, a week, two weeks. Feel grateful for the terrible strength of the human spirit, for the press on and on and on. I have used running to making myself healthy to lesson the pain . To use that pain and emptiness to motivate myself be something I can at least loved if not by him than why not love myself more .

Live your sweet, hard, singular life. Build something strong and beautiful. Whisper, I miss you into the flesh of your pillow. How often I do that while clutching on that alien blanket. Than fall asleep to awake a new day of running 🏃🏻‍♀️.

He is gone … He doesn’t miss you. Not what you . I keep telling myself because it is true. 2 years….., now….. stand back and stare at the bridge you’ve somehow crossed. You were there, and there, and there. You are mostly accustomed to it now, except on anniversaries and Tuesdays and cold days. Your loss has seasoned me, sharpened me , sweetened me. It has carved me into someone who is more wary but also more awake. More essential.

Realize that each of us is stumbling across our own bridge. That this world is not for the faint-hearted, and it might not be the one we’d choose, but it is the world we are in.

Say I love you. Say I miss you, Say I’m sorry. Say I survived.

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