Perfectly imperfect

Just my journey of surviving life. I have gone through alot in 37 years of life. I have been heart broken, I am fighting a disease, I am fighting myself, friends and lovers.  I am loving, I am truthful, honest, giving, I am mom, I am an artist and survivor of sexual assault.

I don’t give my love away easily but when I do I love forever. I love with every thing I have. Honesty and truth mean everything to me and when it’s broken it not by me.

I am new in to my healthy living style to combats my disease . I am a now a high mileage runners 10-12 miles a day.  I started in April 22.2017 last year.

I am now 60 pounds less from a year ago..I have changed my health, people and situations. I did all this because of my health and heart break.  A part of me was hurt deeply and I lost a good part of me. Heart break does effect you, just never to me before.

This is is my story….

the truth

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Featured post

Relationships are a Hard and Fragile thing. – heartache

There’s a deep part of the human soul that is endlessly longing to connect with and relate to other people. We need each other—there’s just no getting around it. Love is just as essential to us as oxygen.

It’s a fragile thing. Something than can take years to build and only seconds to break. Something that can be broken in a number of ways; Words, actions, betrayal, lies…

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated, simple and plain. We have too much going on inside of our hearts and minds to navigate intimate relationships without stumbling upon the ghost from the past.or those who think human nature is glossy and pristine, take a look at our relationships and you’ll find a completely different story.

What is strange for me is that it all makes sense on paper. Why can’t two people with similar values and shared love for each other live together in harmony? It sounds pretty cut and dry in theory, be we can never account for all of the unknown variables in a relationship—and with human beings, there are plenty of those. We’re made up of unknown variables, for godsakes.

I think the biggest misconception about relationships that leads to them falling apart is how fragile they actually are to begin with. When we get comfortable in a relationship, we can’t possibly grasp how fleeting and circumstantial it all is. It’s only when we meet someone for the first time—or when things are already going to sh*t—that we can really see how much unknown territory there is in the other person (and also in ourselves). The underlying chaos of human relationships is on full display in those few moments, and we forget how easily one thing could slip up and all of that unresolved chaos can rise to the surface and drown out all good intentions.

Relationships are fragile and require constant attention. People are always changing—and the dynamics between people are always changing. We all have a fair share of emotional baggage.

and childhood trauma floating around our quivering minds, and that energy is always looking to express itself—in not the healthiest of ways. We’re just these balls of energy that really want love, but are too scorched with pain and suffering to always get the love that we desperately need. What I’m saying is: care must be taken.

It’s a good idea never to get too comfortable in our relationships—to always remember that there is an ocean of chaos just beneath the surface. We never really know anyone, not even ourselves. We can’t expect our partner to be the same person down the line, and we certainly can’t expect ourselves to be the same. life is always changing and moving.It’s actually really beautiful to recognize the fragility of our relationships—and the fragility of human life in general. We are more connected with the novelty of the universe when we are aware of how ephemeral our lives really are.

So many of us are asleep at the f*cking wheel. That’s what most of our problems boil down to, really. We are not aware of what’s happening because of our crazy monkey minds. When those important moments come, we’re so worn down by neurotic thoughts that we can’t be present enough to step up to the plate.

I can only think of one solution to this: to make ourselves aware of the present itself. When we are aware of the simple fact that we’re alive—that we’re breathing, and our heart is beating in real time—is when we can truly capture the fragility of our lives and our relationships.

When chaos emerges, we are there to confront it—without fear or trepidation.

Try this little exercise, and see if you can actually hear the silence from which all sounds come. Pay attention to the gaps between sounds, that vast unmanifested space that gives voice to the universe. See if you can actually hear what nothingness sounds like. When we listen to silence, we step into the present moment.

The truth is that we never really know anyone; and the more we understand that fact—then oddly enough, the better feel we’ll have of another. That’s what makes connection so beautiful—the great unknown. These are magical beings walking around every day, and there’s so much to what makes them up that it’s actually unbelievable. It’s such a mistake to only focus on our similarities, because oftentimes the differences are unimaginably more interesting.

Here’s the deal—let’s step into the present moment, make ourselves aware of the fragility of human relationships, and act in accordance with the fleeting nature of human life. We must know ourselves to know others—and the more we know, the more we realize we don’t know. Stay in that neutral point between stimulus and response, because that’s where our lives really unfold.

Dear Lover—signed, Single Mother

Please know that I won’t sugarcoat it for you.

My life is really damn hard.

Every day.

But I am okay with that.

I don’t need you to take the burden away from me.

I’ll tell what I do need…

I do need your bed as an escape now and then—

Your strong chest for my weary head to rest when I’m overwhelmed.

And when I’m unsure I can keep going the way I need to,

I need your encouraging words.

I want your stable heart to beat next to mine, as I fall asleep to its rhythm on my free nights.

These are the times when I’m able to rest and unwind, recollect my strength and my wits.

Please take the time to see me for who I really am—

Weak, and yet strong.

Independent, yet often lonely.

Hopeful—and yes, sometimes fearful.

Please gently pull me back to my tenacity when I’m terrified.

Remind me, just as a best friend would, that I am remarkably resilient,

And that you love me for it.

Ravish me to the point of not thinking.

Get me outside of my house and my head so I don’t slip back into that bat cave,

Which occasionally tries to encircle me when I am down.

And I do get down…

I can’t help it.

Those scars are part of me.

Yet they don’t prevent my heart from earnestly loving you.

I know better than to fully depend on another for my safety net,

But please understand that you are my soft space,

My safe place to just be me.

Not a mother, or sister, daughter, or friend.

Just me. And just you.

I don’t need you to watch my kids while I work,

Or help pay for her support.

Please be their friend when you can,

That helps more than you know.

But most of all, be my best friend,

And I will be yours.

We’ll nurture each other’s dreams, carry each other’s fears,

And run away to the hills chasing enchantment—

And back home again.

You to your responsibilities, and me to mine.

You could say that my heart is jaded.

And I admit, you’d be a bit right.

But I’m also well-educated in the harsh realities of life.

I know how to sit in my stillness

When the earth has shattered beneath me.

I can raise holy hell with a school principal,

Church clergy, or arrogant repairman.

But with that fire blazing behind my determined eyes,

You’ll find a softness. A tender warmth.

Ready to be shared with you,

When I’m able to pause for a moment.

Perhaps one day, our lives will fully entwine.

But for now, let’s just enjoy this soft day.

Let’s feel alive together.

Let’s feel strong together.

Safe together.

Hopeful.

Joyful.

Thankful and deliciously loved.

And I do love you. Ardently, fervently, wickedly.

I love you in all of the ways that I haven’t before,

So thank you.

Thank you for all of your love, and more.

Thank you for gently shining light into hidden crevices in my heart.

Passages I thought didn’t exist anymore.

I look forward to unearthing new pathways.

Pathways, I often suspected were there, yet

I never was able to discover—

Until I met you.

What are three loves and the lessons?

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” ~ Unknown

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Falling In Love the 1st Time: The Love that Looks Right-

It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.

Falling In Love the 2nd Time: The Hard Love

This one is and has been me.

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissist even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. It’s the love that we wished was right.

Falling In Love the 3rd Time: The Love that Lasts

And the third is the love we never see coming. This is the one I think I have or had? I never saw this love coming ….

The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.

Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.

And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts Than until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.

Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.

But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming.

The one that actually lasts.

The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.

“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown

Love you first. “Chödrön”

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~ Pema Chödrön

Love me before i love you . Than you have to love all of me to have me

Tell him goodbye

I want to tell you I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you.  Something happen the other day that reminded me that I was not the only one  hurt but you were as well. You were dealing with pain to and many other things I don’t know about.  I know I hurt you but I never lied to you.

We both made poor choices. I hope we both have grown and learned from them. I had to go through a lengthy process of my feelings and emotions to truly understand everything once i stop feeling angry. I understand now. I hope someday you know I did truly love you and i am truly sorry for the mistakes I did as well. Losing you was and has been the most difficult learning experience of my entire life and the hardest. I lost something I loved which there is no words for. The kind of love I can’t write about or talk of with out crying.

I want you to know you are not a bad man nor have will I ever think it. I never want you to think that or doubt it You were the best best friend a girl could ever ask for. You are a good man and I know who ever you give your love and friendship to again will be the happiest person in the world.

I truly wish you nothing but the best for you.  You deserve nothin more or less than best.

Love by the sea -Beach life

Out of the starless night that covers me,

(O tribulation of the wind that rolls!)

Black as the cloud of some tremendous spell,

The susurration of the sighing sea

Sounds like the sobbing whisper of two souls

That tremble in a passion of farewell.

To the desires that trebled life in me,

(O melancholy of the wind that rolls!)

The dreams that seemed the future to foretell,

The hopes that mounted herward like the sea,

To all the sweet things sent on happy souls,

I cannot choose but bid a mute farewell.

And to the “boy”who was so much to me

(O lamentation of this wind that rolls!)

Since I may not the life of his compel,

Out of the night, beside the sounding sea,

Full of the love that might have blent our souls,

A sad, a last, a long, supreme farewell.

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