Perfectly imperfect

Just my journey of surviving life. I have gone through alot in 37 years of life. I have been heart broken, I am fighting a disease, I am fighting myself, friends and lovers.  I am loving, I am truthful, honest, giving, I am mom, I am an artist and survivor of sexual assault.

I don’t give my love away easily but when I do I love forever. I love with every thing I have. Honesty and truth mean everything to me and when it’s broken it not by me.

I am new in to my healthy living style to combats my disease . I am a now a high mileage runners 10-12 miles a day.  I started in April 22.2017 last year.

I am now 60 pounds less from a year ago..I have changed my health, people and situations. I did all this because of my health and heart break.  A part of me was hurt deeply and I lost a good part of me. Heart break does effect you, just never to me before.

This is is my story….

the truth

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Featured post

Pema Chodron: a Buddhist teaching on Loneliness, Rejection and a Broken Heart.

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“There comes a time when the bubble of ego is popped and you can’t get the ground back for an extended period of time. Those times, when you absolutely cannot get it back together, are the most rich and powerful times in our lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

In the midst of loneliness, in the midst of fear. In the middle of feeling misunderstood and rejected is the heartbeat of all things…

…the genuine heart of sadness. This is where my heart has laid for over a year.

No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness or greed, the genuine heart of bodhicitta [wakeful human nature] cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole.

We think that by protecting ourselves from suffering, we are being kind to ourselves. The truth is we only become more fearful, more hardened and more alienated. We experience ourselves as being separate from the whole. This separateness becomes like a prison for us—a prison that restricts us to our personal hopes and fears, and to caring only for the people nearest to us.

Curiously enough, if we primarily try to shield ourselves from discomfort, we suffer. Yet, when we don’t close off, when we let our hearts break, we discover our kinship with all beings.

The Dalai Lama describes two kind of selfish people—the wise and the unwise. Unwise selfish people only think of themselves—and the result is confusion and pain. Wise selfish people know that the best thing they can do for themselves is to be there for others. As a result, they experience joy. This is where I always been. To be there for others despite what ever what was going on with myself.

Someone needs to encourage us not to brush aside what we feel. Not to be ashamed of the love and grief that it arouses in us. Not to be afraid of pain.

Someone needs to encourage us: that this soft spot in us could be awakened, and that to do this would change our lives.

The practices ofTonglen, sending and receiving, is designed to awaken bodhicitta. To put us in touch with genuine noble heart. It is a practice of taking in pain, and sending out pleasure, and therefore completely turns around our well-established habit of doing just the opposite.

Tonglen is a practice of creating space. Ventilating the atmosphere of our lives, so that people can breathe freely and relax. Whenever we encounter suffering in any form, the Tonglen instruction is to breathe it in with the wish that everyone could be free of pain. Whenever we encounter happiness in any form, the instruction is to breathe it out, send it out with the wish that everyone could feel joy.

It is a practice that allows people to feel less burdened and less cramped, a practice that shows us how to love without conditions.

~

The funny and ironic thing about this is I only discovered this when my former best friends decided to share with me . More ironic he showed me the complete opposite of these practices. Yes I myself do struggle with certain aspects of this practice but parts of me have always been truly this way.

This woman is amazing to me. If you want to learn more watch and listen to her

Fall – A beautiful Imperfect Disaster like me

If you know me well, you know fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the weather and the leaves. It is also the best running weather for me. It’s peaceful . I enjoy it alone mostly . I want to be comfortable just being with myself and really no one else .

I love the layers and being cozy. I love pumpkin picking, I love thanksgiving and Halloween.

Trying to feel good in my own skin again . Accepting being a beautiful imperfect disaster is okay. Fall is messy and beautiful at the same time just like me….

Always remember us this way

That Arizona sky burning in your eyes

You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire

It’s buried in my soul like California gold

You found the light in me that I couldn’t find

So when I’m all choked up

But I can’t find the words

Every time we say goodbye

Baby, it hurts

When the sun goes down

And the band won’t play

I’ll always remember us this way

Lovers in the night

Poets trying to write

We don’t know how to rhyme

But, damn, we try

But all I really know

You’re where I wanna go

The part of me that’s you will never die

So when I’m all choked up

But I can’t find the words

Every time we say goodbye

Baby, it hurts

When the sun goes down

And the band won’t play

I’ll always remember us this way

Oh, yeah

I don’t wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah

When I’m all choked up

But I can’t find the words

Every time we say goodbye

Baby, it hurts

When the sun goes down

And the band won’t play

I’ll always remember us this way, oh, yeah

When you look at me

And the whole world fades

I’ll always remember us this way

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